All the places I can't reach

I find it amusing how you sometimes find yourself saying I want this, but then when you look back on times when you had something like it, you think twice. I think overall, I'm scared to be in a relationship again. I feel like I've wanted one for sometime now, but now looking at it from a different view, I'm extremely hesitant. I don't want to make more mistakes, nor do I want to settle for anything less than what I have my heart set on. I'm done seeking, finally. I'll wait until I am seeked.

Go to the ends of the earth for you

I put so much effort into something, and for what? For you to just walk out of my life? You're an amazing person with such a genuine soul, and for the past year or so you've made an incredible impact on my life. You're leaving soon, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with out you being a 45 minute drive away. No matter, because 8 hours is a drive I'm willing to make for you. It's been an odd roller coaster ride, but it's been one i'll never forget. You're one of the only people I can truly rely on no matter what the circumstances are. You've become a big part of my life, and even though I may not mean the same to you, this is all the impact you've made on me. Fingers are crossed, that everything will stay the same. At the same time, I have a feeling in my gut saying it won't. You're just, simply awsome. That's all I can say.

Only 7 days left, then begins the first step towards the next stage in my life. Im apprehensive, yet anxious. If only the real world was as easy as high school, but it is far from it. Im apprehensive because i've finally become used to the way things are, but anxious because i need a new environment. I need to meet new people, like if they haven't seen me in a while, they will take time out of their day to play catch up. Im moving on with high expectations but expecting the worst. I guess we will see what happens.

Cupid stuck me with a SICKNESS.

I give up. Really, because what is the point in having hope when all signs point to NOTHING GOOD WILL COME. It's false hope. It's a lie. I have nothing to hold on for anymore, I was just too ignorant to realize it. Too busy HOPING. What is the point of hope really? When really, hope is what destroys us all. What I do believe, is proof, and facts. Thats a problem of mine. I take words and twist them, taking a rejection and forming it into FALSE hope. I'm too tall, too YOUNG, not pretty enough, not THIN enough, the list goes on. I can think of 100 different flaws in myself, and turn them into an excuse. THE THING IS, I shouldn't have to make excuses! Even when I'm in a situation full of them, I don't give up, I continue to work around the fact that I'm making excuses or the fact that I should have given up a long time ago. THOSE are the facts I need to take to heart. I'm sick of letting myself get this far, EVEN WHEN I know it all ends the same way. Always. So here I am, hands in the sky. I give up again, because if I just continued feeling the way I do now, I would just be a pathetic victim of false hope. Again.

Do you want love or do you want fame?

Being involved is overrated.
I dont think I've ever been this stressed out in my life. I dont ask for help because I can't rely on other people to get the job done, even though it might be a little easier on myself, In a way it just adds more stress because I have to worry about if the job is getting done. This is what I get for wanting to change the world.




The first step on the long stressful journey ahead of me.

On and on and on

people are changing

more often than seasons it seems

to remember when you used to know somebody

and with the blink of an eye you know nothing about them

it's not always by choice that you lose touch

everyone is so caught up living their own lives

the one short spand of time we each individually get

that keeping up with someone else's becomes more difficult as time progresses

If only the feeling was mutual,to be met half way rather to run the entire distance alone

but everyone only has one life and maybe half-way is too much to ask for

One of those nights

I feel alone in this little world tonight. Chick flicks I think are designed to make the single-population of the world depressed. I feel like I've been slam-dunked back into reality, with the realization that nothing and nobody lasts forever.

I'm begging you for mercy.

can't read my poker face.

played me like a game of cards.

oh well, I feel like I've grown a bit since the last time this has happened to me, but nonetheless, it still sucks. I've been single for a year. It's an either-or thing. It feels good but at the same time lonely in a sense? Mhmm. I feel more productive this way.
Well, I got my license.

Time for those adventures I promised.










Should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere?

We should be the change that we want to see.

I was looking for a song to sing
searching for a leader, but the leader was me.


If you're out there, sing along with me.
I'm dying to believe.
I'f you're out there, stand up and sing with me.







Today, John Legend changed my life.

Won't you come over love, so I can show you love.

Why do a majority of my friends live far distances from me?
Only a month until I get my license, then its going to be like a road trip every weekend.
Screw gas, thats what allowance is for!
I need to catch up with friends in person then rather on the internet as always:P
No one is down to drive any where ever, sooo I just gotta do everythin myselffffff


yargh.

If cupid has a gun, he's shootin

I'm disappointed.
One thing I ask, and it's still too much to ask for.



I have a request.
For once, I would like to be someone's priority


is that asking too much?
I can only just only take so much of being taken advantage of
I do mind, in case you were wondering.


2 days.

She ricochets, you just dont notice.

Sorry for my lack of venting world.
October is apparently the month where I never have time.

It is approximately a week from my birthday, and things have improved ever so slightly since I last wrote, but I'm getting a bad vibe.
My birthday will be a turning point; It will start to get better
or things will get worse.
Only time will tell.








I hit the main line, Breaking through the night sky.

just dance.

my blogs will be happy when things start looking up.
I have too much hope, and set myself up easily for failure.

they say its not my fault
but I know better, i just chose to accept it.









won't speak unless its something worth sayin.

Oh, I want you to know, but then again I dont.

so complicated

i'm so frustrated

i wanna hold you close, i wanna push you awayi wanna make you go....... i wanna make you stay.
should i say it? should i tell you how i feel?
Oh, I want you to know, but then again I dont.
it's so complicated.


Oh, it's so confusing, Yeah, I wish you'd just confess. But think of what I'd be losing, If your answer wasn't yes.

I may have lost my way now

I think it's hilarious when in long run, I end up being right.
Previous blogs: Taken for granted.
Situation:Friend is mad over nothing, and doesnt care to talk it out
Addtional info: Friend is like a family member to me, and no matter how much shit they say about me or all the times the flake or are just flat out rude to me, I never hold it against them.
Why: Because I'm a good friend, and I dont let trivial situations get in the way.


All I know is, I wish I wasn't right about this.
Life is getting more and more complicated and honestly, I'm questioning the real reason to live nowadays.
NOW dont freak out people, I'm not suicidal, goodness gracious.
I'm just taking steps back and looking at the universal picture and whatnot.

I'm just unmotivated.
keep on keepin on.







Haven't forgot my way home

I got bruises on my knees for you.

Sorry if my blog posts are necessarily the most upbeat or spirit-lifting things you've ever read. I made this to vent. I plan on venting in about 10 seconds, which will probably just be a bunch of angry things that are on my mind, so if you're up for it, then continue reading

WHY is it that I am the key target of taking someone for granted. I swear, if there was a list or something I'm pretty sure I would be at the top of almost everybody's. How can you act like you're having such a good time, then not too long later say something to flush it all into a downward spiral? WHAT makes me not good enough for people? WHAT makes me any different? I've taken so much of this from so many people, but what gives them the right? Apparently, being nice to people, making friends, and doing nothing but good things means that I get everything bad in return. No you say? WELL THAT'S HOW I FEEL. A majority of the time people talk to me it feels like it's more to satisfy their need of eliminating boredom rather then them actually ACTUALLY caring about what I did today. Because I sure as hell care when I ask someone how their day was. Yeah, I'm not the most outgoing person you've ever met in your life, but should people really hold that against me? What have I done to acquire such a title as "You can take her for granted." You know what, you might as well too, because it seems like everyone else doesn't have a problem doing it.

there.







but frozen things, they all unfreeze.

When I remind myself I can't get to you

That last line from my previous blog got me thinking. It is definately not an understatement when I refer to myself as a big dreamer. Sometimes I wonder how it is even possible for me to focus. I've got the biggest case of daydream one can have. I'm constantly wondering off and lose focus and just before I float off into dreamland, I snap back. It's always nice to think of what the outcomes in your life maybe. I know for certain that I would much rather dream up and fake, yet happy life to live then be stuck here in my reality. But what is the difference between never waking up from a dream and death? The one thing that I would like the most and what I fear the most seem so similar from this point of view. Just my luck, only one of the two options are avalible.



"As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death." - Leonardo Da Vinci

Wouldn't it be nice.

It is nice. I think it's a pretty good feeling to have a confidence boost every once in a while. Not the kind that blows up your ego to the size of a balloon, but just enough to where you know people are thinking that you're a pretty cool person. Your timing is perfect. Just when I feel like I'm almost absolutely invisible, the smallest comment from someone just raises my spirits ten times higher. Maybe I'm more visible then I think, if only the people I want to see could see me the same way. Yeah, I'm a big dreamer.





I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying

How do we reverse the chemistry?

To have a friendship, you need 50% from each person, you have to meet them half way with it, otherwise it is just a one-sided effort. Story of my life. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people no. I hate to see people sad, upset, etc. So I do what I can to try to cheer them up or just make their day a little better, but why is it that when the tables are turned, there are only a few people who would return the gesture? After everything, how could you not give a care at all? I'm bemused. Honestly, I feel like all that I do is just a waste of time. Yeah, I do get the satisfaction that I've done something good for someone, but you can only give so much, and to recieve the same thing once in a while, is that too much to ask for? But I guess this just shows someone's true colors, and maybe I've been wasting my time and effort for too long now.





take my hands out of control.

I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings.

Tell me why I have been having this constant feeling of loneliness lately. No matter what someone may tell , it's only a temporary reassurance. I feel so.....alone! I have no idea why. I just feel like I'm always in the back on someone's head. And not in the way that they cant stop thinking about me, but more like the way I'm the furthest thing from anyone's thoughts. Why? The constant question I ask myself is why? Is there something about me that makes me less important then anyone else? That is what i have been feeling a lot lately, but I'm not sure why. Like, what the heck triggered all of this? I guess I just set myself up for so much, and then when I take a step back into reality and starting doing an overview of my surroundings, i begin to feel insignificant? Let's stick with that. I'm wanted more for what I can do, not who I am, and that's not supposed to be in a dirty way, whoever is thinking that. I feel like people are more concerned with my labor and responsibilities I have to do then myself as a person. Ay carumba.






oh janey dont be hasty.

=/