How do we reverse the chemistry?

To have a friendship, you need 50% from each person, you have to meet them half way with it, otherwise it is just a one-sided effort. Story of my life. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people no. I hate to see people sad, upset, etc. So I do what I can to try to cheer them up or just make their day a little better, but why is it that when the tables are turned, there are only a few people who would return the gesture? After everything, how could you not give a care at all? I'm bemused. Honestly, I feel like all that I do is just a waste of time. Yeah, I do get the satisfaction that I've done something good for someone, but you can only give so much, and to recieve the same thing once in a while, is that too much to ask for? But I guess this just shows someone's true colors, and maybe I've been wasting my time and effort for too long now.





take my hands out of control.

I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings.

Tell me why I have been having this constant feeling of loneliness lately. No matter what someone may tell , it's only a temporary reassurance. I feel so.....alone! I have no idea why. I just feel like I'm always in the back on someone's head. And not in the way that they cant stop thinking about me, but more like the way I'm the furthest thing from anyone's thoughts. Why? The constant question I ask myself is why? Is there something about me that makes me less important then anyone else? That is what i have been feeling a lot lately, but I'm not sure why. Like, what the heck triggered all of this? I guess I just set myself up for so much, and then when I take a step back into reality and starting doing an overview of my surroundings, i begin to feel insignificant? Let's stick with that. I'm wanted more for what I can do, not who I am, and that's not supposed to be in a dirty way, whoever is thinking that. I feel like people are more concerned with my labor and responsibilities I have to do then myself as a person. Ay carumba.






oh janey dont be hasty.

=/

As the summer fades.

I was struck by a blast from the past today. Looking back at very old pictures, seeing myself during that time where I had struggled the most. I have mixed emotions about it, for some reason I am digusted, yet I wish my past was inside my present. So here it goes, since anyone reading this probably has no idea what I'm saying. I went through a hard time in my life, bascially I call it my anorexia-phase. I saw a picture today of myself when I used to never eat and hate the way I look, and when I saw it, I was appauled. How could I have believed I was fat looking the way I did? I was BONES. And yet, I still kind of wish I was. I'm an extremely tough critic on myself, and no matter what, nothing seems to be good enough. I don't see myself as thin, I see myself as "there is always room for improvement," which I know is bad, but it's something I have always thought. I see myself differently then the rest of the world does, and I guess it's more of a struggle then I thought it was. Or more like it's not as gone as it seemed to be.



no sunlight, no sunlight.

The wrong piece

Band camp day 1 today, and quite frankly I wish it was my last. I don't want to be here. I've never felt as alone as I have today, not having anyone to talk to, or being left behind. But I guess this is growing up.

I guess this is growing up.

Why would I hitch a ride, I can drive.

After a discussion at church today, I began thinking about my role in life. I've thought about it many times, but I'm not sure I've really found an answer. Have I made an impact in anyones life? It seems as thought everyone has somebody that will come running no matter what, who with do anything for them with no conditions, but sometimes I feel as if I don't have that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty lonely. And like I said, this isn't the first time I've felt this. It's kind of a reaccuring thing, but it's an on and off feeling. I want to know what I mean to people. I will get exterior greetings and such, but I've only been told by one person that I mean something to them in their life. So much for touching everyone's heart. Maybe I'm just doing something wrong.





you can do better than me.

The space between

When one distances themselves from another, the bond that might have once been there begins to deteriorate. I would like to consider myself a victim of this, for a numerous amount of occassions. Its weird because you have that feeling where its like a withdrawl, you miss that person, can't get them out of your mind and try your hardest to do what you can to spend time with them. As time progresses and you don't get what your reaching for, you begin to feel discouraged and ultimately you just give up and continue on with your life. Why does something that once was so important feel like its not even a factor in that amount of time? The thing is when your physically around that person, all of the feelings come back and it kind of feels like your back at square one. That's a weird manipulation my mind has over me, and I don't really know what to call it or why it even happens. If there was a feeling or mood like this on myspace, that is what I would currently be.

I can't let go no I can't let go... holding me back without even trying to.

You can't blame me for trying

Again, for the billionth time, change is due, and change is in process. I've barely had time to write on of these in a while, let alone have time to think of what to say. This past weekend was another retreat with Guiding Light. I felt like this retreat gave more time to do a self-evaluation and look more deeply into myself then I have at previous retreats or maybe even everyday life. I don't like who I am, or the things that I've done. "Change requires Courage." Maybe that is why it's been so hard for me to change. I'm afraid that with everything that I have done, it will be impossible to change.....maybe not impossible, but it is going to be a long, long process. I'm starting small, approaching this with baby steps. I have enough on my plate already, and if I try and do major life-changes at the same time I'm just going to be completely overwhelmed. So here we go, baby-steps baby steps, the best possible approach.




Watching my cold dark silhouette disappear

Its not enough just to dream it

Due to Las Vegas lacking events for anyone under 21, I have had a lot of time to think about things that I've had on my mind for a long time. I've realized that I've been wasting my time worrying about what is going to happen in the future, which is causing me to be oblivious to what is going on in my present. I've lost so much time due to this and I'm drawing the line here. I know, I know, I keep telling myself its time for change, its time for change, but you don't turn a new lead over night. I want more change then I can achieve right now but little by little I'm getting closer to it. I feel like I need to live more realistically, rather then living on maybes and hopefuls. I wish things were more straightforward.

Free my mind.

"Ay carumba" teeth

Rest in peace top retainer #3. My top retainer is now lost in the black hole of the road commonly traveled. Somehow between barstow and Vegas it disappeared. Luckily I still have the bottom one, which benefits me majorly thanks to my major over-bite. I wish I lost the bottom one instead. Not to mention I have to take my senior picture on Friday, and I can't get a new retainer until the morning of. This also gives me plenty of time to allow the gap between my 2 front teeth to reappear. I apologize ahead of time for all my negativity, I'm just frustrated that: A-this is the 3rd top retainer I've lost, and B-there is a possibility my teeth will move and I have to take my senior picture. So if you see me with my hand in my mouth now you know why. Trying to hold my teeth in place until Friday. On another note, I'm slightly relieved. Even though Vegas was a bust and I didn't get to see my friends here, I got new shoes and a highly anticipated text message. And on the other other hand, its unexplainably hot here and I'm losing my mind.

Steady as she goes.

Clumbsy

Las Vegas, another state with ridiculous heat. Man I picked the right places to go this summer. Speaking of this summer, it is slowly but surely coming to and end. After I get home another retreat is around the corner, which I am looking forward to. Less then a week after is ASB camp! I've been looking forward to that alllllllllll summer and its almost here! Continuing on after camp is band camp, which will probably be the death of me. The marimba calls my name as I have called for it as well. The things that I have looked forward to for the year I know sort of dread. Oh well, just a result of me overthinking again.

Actions speak louder then words.
Actions speak louder then words.
Actions speak louder then words.

Just trying to cement that in my mind before I forget it too quickly.

Crossroads.

I forgot how much I really didn't like this movie. It not only poorly made, but the dialogue is TERRIBLY cheesy and unrealistic. Britney Spears. What is she doing with her life? Ay Carumba. I'm praying for her.

Anyways, back on the road tomorrow. Vacation #2 to Las Vegas, Nevada....for the 3rd time this year? or the 2nd? I dont remember, one of many thats for sure. The more recent times we've been going have been taking a toll on me though. My Grandpa has been fighting cancer for quite sometime now. You can tell because he's becomes more weak everytime we visit, and it's a scary thought to think that one of these boring trips to Vegas might be the last time I'll see my Grandfather.

I'll admit, I am afraid of one thing, and that is Death. It is something that constantly crosses my mind. What will it be like when I die? Will anyone attend my funeral? Will anyone even miss me? I cant focus right now

this is poorly written, I'll fix it later
Vegas, here I come.