Without lifting a finger.

I'm finding words harder and harder to believe as time progresses. You can say anything to someone just to give them what they want to hear. I've told myself time and time again, "Actions speak louder then words," but whenever I find myself in the situation of this sort, words come off so pulchritudinous. I would like to say this is so because that's mostly what I get from people. They can tell you one thing, but when it comes down to when you NEED them, you find out who your real friends are. I am a far from perfect specimen, I will tell you that, but I do as much as I can with the limitations that I have. So now its time for me to listen what I'm telling myself. To not only listen but to act on as well. From now on, I will listen to what people have to tell me. But, until they can prove their words match their willingness, words are the equivalent of pennies.

sorry so short.
i'm sick.

My heart longs to sing - Steubenville West 2008

How does one go about finding the perfect words to describe the most spiritual moment in their life? There is no better feeling then knowing that you are completely consumed with God's love. Steubenville, is a turning point in my life. I no longer am in fear. I no longer have doubt. This weekend was my reminder and my reassurance.

The weekend began a little shakey. First off we we're headed on our way to Arizona at around 7am. At about 8-8:20 am, 2 of the wheels from our bus roll right out from underneath, which ended up setting us back more then 2 hours. The second bus arrived(which ended up being a party bus with a stripper pole included hahaha) and we were back on our way. I believe the trip lasted about 14 hours. The time of arrival was a good portion of time already into the first nights events. This night was the night to give you that push to begin to open your heart to him, but since the girls missed that, we approached the next day differently and a little discouraged. Looking back on it now, missing the first night wasn't as big of a let down as I believed it to be. I believe that if I went to adoration that night I wouldn't have approached it like I did the 2nd night. More then anything I didnt feel like I was even prepared for Friday night, so I used that time to prepare for what lay ahead on Saturday. In the meantime, Friday was used for our first "Girl Talk" which made up for the event that had happend previously in the day. Totally worth only getting 3 hours of sleep for.

GOOD MORNING TUCSON ARIZONA!THIS MORNING AT 7AM WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL 85 DEGREES!Saturday started off with praise and worship with none other then MATT MAHER my future husband. Man can he sing. Continued the morning with Mass then women's session which blew my mind. I've never had such a signifcant sex talk in my entire life. It changed my whole outlook on my life and how I'm going to go about things involving relationships in the future. WOW. Still can remember it all. So all the females finished up and headed to lunch where we all decided what to do for the remaining time before the night session. BOOKSTORE&ENTERTAINMENT. Bought a MATT MAHER shirt and went over for the Roman Collar Comedy thing, which was funny, but put me to sleep. We all went our seperate ways from there, Kev, Andrew, and I went to Family&Marriage. The first session which was family didnt really hit me that much, I tried to relate but at the same time we were late to the session so I must of missed something. Then we headed over to the Marriage session. WOW again. I liked that one alot. I've never seen to indiviudals so in love with each other and in love with Christ. Seeing them gave me so much motivation for my future. I have higher goals for myself and I'm really glad we went to that session.(Ephesians 5:25-27) AMEN.

6:30 pm and again 85 degrees outside.We made our way back to the main auditorium for the night session. More praise&worship! :D Matt Maher=] Then we had a speaker before we went into adoration, and I hate to say this, but I fell asleep while he was talking. I really regret all the sleeping I did during the speeches over the weekend but i was running on 3 hours of sleep each day. I payed as much attention as I could and retained most of what I caught before I fell asleep. After that we went into sort of a pre-adoration thing. Everyone went around hugging each other and showing their appreciation towards one another. THIS is where I saw God. I didn't see him in the Eucharist as much as I saw him around me inside of each and every person in that room. Being prayed for by the chaperones or just opening up to my peers, That in itself is where I saw God, and that was the turning point for the weekend. Adoration was Silent. At first I was kind of confused, normally when we do Adoration we have music going on and everyone is crying and a big emotional sea of feelings comes pouring out of everybody. Not tonight. Tonight was silent. As we got into I started to appreciate the silence more. I wasn't crying, or thinking hysterically for what words to say, but I was actually having a conversationg with God. The silence was calming in its own way, I felt like there was more time to gather my thoughts and even though some people enjoy how we normally go about Adoration, I found this way much more sufficient. Only thing I would change is less time. I was done a good 20 minutes before we finished the night session, but all in all I wouldnt trade it for anything.The night session ended with photos and distrubution of the Steubenville soundtrack. Ladies headed back to the dorm for GIRL TALK. Girl Talk, how do I explain this. I am very thankful that we all came up with the idea to have it. Taking turns to get to know one another. I feel like I can trust all the girls in GL more then I ever could have before and it was all thanks to the Girl Talk =] NEXT TIME WE NEED TO INVITE JILL AND KIRSTEN!

Woke up, showered, packed, and headed to breakfast by 6:30am.more eggs, more golden grahams.Right after breakfast we broke into Mens and Womens sessions.This one kind of disappointed me, don't get me wrong, it was still a very good talk, but I didnt feel as moved as I had the previous day, but all in all it was still a very good talk. The boys met us in the Auditorium for the finals events of the conference. Then, MATT MAHER again. Never gets old. Then the first mass I've ever been excited to attend. That was the most uplifiting and spiritual mass I've been too. Before we started, someone had said "Act like this is the last Mass you will ever go to." So I had that mind frama going into it and it was beautiful. We had an amazing priest. He kept things alive and not boring, I was really interested in what he had to say. A great way to finish out the conference. My blessings are also with Paula, Mike, Rogue, and Steve, the members of our youth group who are considering following Christ by becoming Sisters, Deacons, or even Priests. Way to go guys! We left the auditorium, grabbed our sack lunches then GL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Headed on our way home back to California, which surprisingly took HALF the time to get home then to get there >.<

Sleep, Gin, and Sharing as our bus ride came to an end.I didn't get to say everything I would have liked to while sharing, but I just wanted to thank everyone again.The chaperones, GL, and Liwanag. This weekend really opened my heart as well as my mind and I am so grateful that I got to share the experience with all of you, so thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.

Irreplaceable, unrepeatable, and unique

Steubenville day 2. This morning made up for missing last nights event. Matt Maher is gorgeous even though he's like 50, voice of an angel. Mass. Then a speech that changed the way I look at relationships. Women today have formed a tough exterior which causes difficulty when put in the situation where they are supposed to show another love. The way I look at it, when you have sex, your giving a piece of your sexuality away. Your sexuality, in the long run, should be for your spouse, so if you give pieces away constantly, what will you have left for the one?

Saving his greatest creative act for last, God crowned creation with the beauty of femininity. A womans dignity is unspeakably profound, her beauty unparalled. What a remarkable gift that God would come to man through a woman. As a daughter of the king, I pledge to live my life in a way that wil guard my dignity, my purity, and my beauty. Bringing honor to both God and myself now and in the future vocation to which he calls me.

Day of fasting

Julisa and I pulled an all nighter...bad idea. Everyone else who said they were going to pull on too caved and slept. We got to the church around 5:10 and starbucks-ed it before the bus came. The bus didn't get there until about 630 or so and then we were on our way to Arizona. There's never a dull moment with GL, and behold, 2 of the bus's tires flew off while we were an hour into the trip. We were stranded in front of a middle-of-nowhere cemetary for a good 2 hours or so until we were rescued by our knight in shining black armor...the party bus! We fit about 25 + people in one of the big party buses that people get for their prom...with the plasma screen and stripper pole included! Too bad this is a church retreat otherwise we would all be on that! Anyways, we've made on stop at around noon at mcdonalds for lunch, my favorite, not. We ate anyway though, after that we underwent ridiculous heat, and long long rides in the party bus. Were about 85 miles from our destination and its 603PM. Dinner at the college ends at 7PM, so I have a feeling we're gonna miss it, but its all worth it. Nothing better then laying on the floor and blastin Disney tunes. Steubenville day 1.

I'm like a book elegantly bound, in a language that you cant read

Where do I get off? I find myself constantly questioning the way I think. I'll be thinking completely straight no distractions or anything, then something sort of pops up, and then I find myself straying away from my original thoughts. The way I previously thought hasn't changed, but I don't know, I just think too quickly I guess....yeah, thats probably it. I assume things, I don't know. It's something I can't really put into words without being too specific, but I'm pretty sure whatever we're gonna call it, I've been doing it my whole life, and I don't know how to change it exactly. I want to focus straight on one thing, without distractions or changes in my original thought. I know, I know, this makes me sound like I have A.D.D. or something, which I wouldn't doubt, but focus in general isnt what I'm talking about. I would say more like focus on certain things in my life. I know what I want, but then I doubt it, and I go off thinking about other things.

I sound crazy, this is complicated. I cant even read myself.

Using flowers to brush the dirt off yo' shoulder

Schedules are settling in, my first whole month of school is pretty much planned now. Band is every Monday, Wednesday, and 2/3 of the weekend. For more recent times, first of the vacations is about to begin, off to Arizona in t-minus 2 days.steubenville west. From what I've been hearing this retreat is going to be a life changing event, so I'm approaching the weekend with big expectations. Hopefully this will be a turning point for where I am with my religion right now. I'm hoping to find the answers to the questions I've been thinking about for a while now. In the mean time, I'm going to drink my free water.

They say I'm crazy, nah I'm Janey

I love meeting new people or just getting to know people better. I always have the whole "new person" speed bump though. After that, I love learning about other peoples interests and having conversations about them. I feel like I don't know a lot of my friends on that personal level though, and I want to change that. I'm someone a lot of people can trust and someone who won't judge, but a lot of my friends don't know that about me. People, people, let's get personal here.

You gotta spend some time, love.

Summer continues on, slowly but surely. Every day that goes by it makes me regret not having a job. This whole not having money thing doesnt help when you have nothing to do but go out everyday. I want a job, I really do, but with everything going on, a job will drive me insane. Vacations, extra-curriculars, etc. I think it gives me a more likely chance to spontaneously combust. Oh well, I'm probably just making excuses. Who knows though, maybe a job will benefit me more then harm me, and making money doesn't sound bad at all. It all boils down to one thing, if you love something give it away. Time, I love you, but I need to start making an income.

On a better note, I love company. I guess I realized being around other people makes me the happiest I can be. When your going on adventures, eating random food, looking for random items in a dollar store, shopping for 3 hours straight, or just staying home doing nothing all day. This summer is turning out better then I expected it to. The thing is I know next summer everything is going to change. The real world is starting to creep up on me, and it's gonna be a culture-shock for sure. A wise man told me, to sum it up, fear denies faith. Funny how a little reality check can change your whole frame of mind. So bring it on future. Think you scare me? Think again honey.

Heaven has been away too long

I feel so intimidated by people. I'll be feeling pretty confident about myself, and like who I am, but then someone comes along and then all the confidence I had disappears. Not only do I feel like I'm good enough for other people, I never seem to be completely happy with myself. I can be skinnier, smarter, have a job, etc. I'm constantly trying to form myself into a definition of "perfect" but even then I don't know when I can finally say I've reached it. All I know is that right now, I'm feeling kind of low about myself, and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about it. Diet, study, apply for jobs? I feel like I'm under alot of unnecessary pressure. Pressure that I'm just creating for myself that causes me to constantly stress out. This isn't something new to me though, I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I just don't know how to be happy being myself, when I constantly feel the need to improve in every aspect about myself.

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

I've always thought I had a bit of common sense, not much, but enough to know when change is needed in your life. The thing is, I do have this, and I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but why can't I follow through with it? I have hit my immovable object, for the billionth time. I could go around it, or over it, or just blow it to tiny pieces, but my mind frame is an unstoppable force which makes it even harder. The objective I have in my mind is to move this object, and it's all I can focus on. No matter how hard I try, doing anything possible I can, this object can't be moved. I cant make this object move, and this is apparent, but at the same time I keep trying. I don't know when to stop. I don't know when I'm supposed to throw my hands up in the air and quit. I've never been one to admit defeat or quit, which makes this so much harder. I know what I want, and I know it's not going to happen, but for some reason in my mind I have the little piece of hope still. This hope keeps me coming back, trying to move this object, and this hope ultimately leads to my downfall. I believe in hope too much, I believe that if you really want something and you do whatever you can for the task at hand then you can achieve it. I've yet to find this statement true in certain aspects in my life. This in itself is frustrating. I feel like the result of one failure is going to be the outcome for the rest of my life. I can only achieve so much, I gotta fail in somethings right? But why this? Why can't I move this object. If there is a way to swap my failures, please let me know as soon as possible.