can't read my poker face.

played me like a game of cards.

oh well, I feel like I've grown a bit since the last time this has happened to me, but nonetheless, it still sucks. I've been single for a year. It's an either-or thing. It feels good but at the same time lonely in a sense? Mhmm. I feel more productive this way.
Well, I got my license.

Time for those adventures I promised.










Should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere?

We should be the change that we want to see.

I was looking for a song to sing
searching for a leader, but the leader was me.


If you're out there, sing along with me.
I'm dying to believe.
I'f you're out there, stand up and sing with me.







Today, John Legend changed my life.

Won't you come over love, so I can show you love.

Why do a majority of my friends live far distances from me?
Only a month until I get my license, then its going to be like a road trip every weekend.
Screw gas, thats what allowance is for!
I need to catch up with friends in person then rather on the internet as always:P
No one is down to drive any where ever, sooo I just gotta do everythin myselffffff


yargh.

If cupid has a gun, he's shootin

I'm disappointed.
One thing I ask, and it's still too much to ask for.



I have a request.
For once, I would like to be someone's priority


is that asking too much?
I can only just only take so much of being taken advantage of
I do mind, in case you were wondering.


2 days.

She ricochets, you just dont notice.

Sorry for my lack of venting world.
October is apparently the month where I never have time.

It is approximately a week from my birthday, and things have improved ever so slightly since I last wrote, but I'm getting a bad vibe.
My birthday will be a turning point; It will start to get better
or things will get worse.
Only time will tell.








I hit the main line, Breaking through the night sky.

just dance.

my blogs will be happy when things start looking up.
I have too much hope, and set myself up easily for failure.

they say its not my fault
but I know better, i just chose to accept it.









won't speak unless its something worth sayin.

Oh, I want you to know, but then again I dont.

so complicated

i'm so frustrated

i wanna hold you close, i wanna push you awayi wanna make you go....... i wanna make you stay.
should i say it? should i tell you how i feel?
Oh, I want you to know, but then again I dont.
it's so complicated.


Oh, it's so confusing, Yeah, I wish you'd just confess. But think of what I'd be losing, If your answer wasn't yes.

I may have lost my way now

I think it's hilarious when in long run, I end up being right.
Previous blogs: Taken for granted.
Situation:Friend is mad over nothing, and doesnt care to talk it out
Addtional info: Friend is like a family member to me, and no matter how much shit they say about me or all the times the flake or are just flat out rude to me, I never hold it against them.
Why: Because I'm a good friend, and I dont let trivial situations get in the way.


All I know is, I wish I wasn't right about this.
Life is getting more and more complicated and honestly, I'm questioning the real reason to live nowadays.
NOW dont freak out people, I'm not suicidal, goodness gracious.
I'm just taking steps back and looking at the universal picture and whatnot.

I'm just unmotivated.
keep on keepin on.







Haven't forgot my way home

I got bruises on my knees for you.

Sorry if my blog posts are necessarily the most upbeat or spirit-lifting things you've ever read. I made this to vent. I plan on venting in about 10 seconds, which will probably just be a bunch of angry things that are on my mind, so if you're up for it, then continue reading

WHY is it that I am the key target of taking someone for granted. I swear, if there was a list or something I'm pretty sure I would be at the top of almost everybody's. How can you act like you're having such a good time, then not too long later say something to flush it all into a downward spiral? WHAT makes me not good enough for people? WHAT makes me any different? I've taken so much of this from so many people, but what gives them the right? Apparently, being nice to people, making friends, and doing nothing but good things means that I get everything bad in return. No you say? WELL THAT'S HOW I FEEL. A majority of the time people talk to me it feels like it's more to satisfy their need of eliminating boredom rather then them actually ACTUALLY caring about what I did today. Because I sure as hell care when I ask someone how their day was. Yeah, I'm not the most outgoing person you've ever met in your life, but should people really hold that against me? What have I done to acquire such a title as "You can take her for granted." You know what, you might as well too, because it seems like everyone else doesn't have a problem doing it.

there.







but frozen things, they all unfreeze.

When I remind myself I can't get to you

That last line from my previous blog got me thinking. It is definately not an understatement when I refer to myself as a big dreamer. Sometimes I wonder how it is even possible for me to focus. I've got the biggest case of daydream one can have. I'm constantly wondering off and lose focus and just before I float off into dreamland, I snap back. It's always nice to think of what the outcomes in your life maybe. I know for certain that I would much rather dream up and fake, yet happy life to live then be stuck here in my reality. But what is the difference between never waking up from a dream and death? The one thing that I would like the most and what I fear the most seem so similar from this point of view. Just my luck, only one of the two options are avalible.



"As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death." - Leonardo Da Vinci

Wouldn't it be nice.

It is nice. I think it's a pretty good feeling to have a confidence boost every once in a while. Not the kind that blows up your ego to the size of a balloon, but just enough to where you know people are thinking that you're a pretty cool person. Your timing is perfect. Just when I feel like I'm almost absolutely invisible, the smallest comment from someone just raises my spirits ten times higher. Maybe I'm more visible then I think, if only the people I want to see could see me the same way. Yeah, I'm a big dreamer.





I won't regret saying this, this thing that I'm saying

How do we reverse the chemistry?

To have a friendship, you need 50% from each person, you have to meet them half way with it, otherwise it is just a one-sided effort. Story of my life. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people no. I hate to see people sad, upset, etc. So I do what I can to try to cheer them up or just make their day a little better, but why is it that when the tables are turned, there are only a few people who would return the gesture? After everything, how could you not give a care at all? I'm bemused. Honestly, I feel like all that I do is just a waste of time. Yeah, I do get the satisfaction that I've done something good for someone, but you can only give so much, and to recieve the same thing once in a while, is that too much to ask for? But I guess this just shows someone's true colors, and maybe I've been wasting my time and effort for too long now.





take my hands out of control.

I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings.

Tell me why I have been having this constant feeling of loneliness lately. No matter what someone may tell , it's only a temporary reassurance. I feel so.....alone! I have no idea why. I just feel like I'm always in the back on someone's head. And not in the way that they cant stop thinking about me, but more like the way I'm the furthest thing from anyone's thoughts. Why? The constant question I ask myself is why? Is there something about me that makes me less important then anyone else? That is what i have been feeling a lot lately, but I'm not sure why. Like, what the heck triggered all of this? I guess I just set myself up for so much, and then when I take a step back into reality and starting doing an overview of my surroundings, i begin to feel insignificant? Let's stick with that. I'm wanted more for what I can do, not who I am, and that's not supposed to be in a dirty way, whoever is thinking that. I feel like people are more concerned with my labor and responsibilities I have to do then myself as a person. Ay carumba.






oh janey dont be hasty.

=/

As the summer fades.

I was struck by a blast from the past today. Looking back at very old pictures, seeing myself during that time where I had struggled the most. I have mixed emotions about it, for some reason I am digusted, yet I wish my past was inside my present. So here it goes, since anyone reading this probably has no idea what I'm saying. I went through a hard time in my life, bascially I call it my anorexia-phase. I saw a picture today of myself when I used to never eat and hate the way I look, and when I saw it, I was appauled. How could I have believed I was fat looking the way I did? I was BONES. And yet, I still kind of wish I was. I'm an extremely tough critic on myself, and no matter what, nothing seems to be good enough. I don't see myself as thin, I see myself as "there is always room for improvement," which I know is bad, but it's something I have always thought. I see myself differently then the rest of the world does, and I guess it's more of a struggle then I thought it was. Or more like it's not as gone as it seemed to be.



no sunlight, no sunlight.

The wrong piece

Band camp day 1 today, and quite frankly I wish it was my last. I don't want to be here. I've never felt as alone as I have today, not having anyone to talk to, or being left behind. But I guess this is growing up.

I guess this is growing up.

Why would I hitch a ride, I can drive.

After a discussion at church today, I began thinking about my role in life. I've thought about it many times, but I'm not sure I've really found an answer. Have I made an impact in anyones life? It seems as thought everyone has somebody that will come running no matter what, who with do anything for them with no conditions, but sometimes I feel as if I don't have that. I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty lonely. And like I said, this isn't the first time I've felt this. It's kind of a reaccuring thing, but it's an on and off feeling. I want to know what I mean to people. I will get exterior greetings and such, but I've only been told by one person that I mean something to them in their life. So much for touching everyone's heart. Maybe I'm just doing something wrong.





you can do better than me.

The space between

When one distances themselves from another, the bond that might have once been there begins to deteriorate. I would like to consider myself a victim of this, for a numerous amount of occassions. Its weird because you have that feeling where its like a withdrawl, you miss that person, can't get them out of your mind and try your hardest to do what you can to spend time with them. As time progresses and you don't get what your reaching for, you begin to feel discouraged and ultimately you just give up and continue on with your life. Why does something that once was so important feel like its not even a factor in that amount of time? The thing is when your physically around that person, all of the feelings come back and it kind of feels like your back at square one. That's a weird manipulation my mind has over me, and I don't really know what to call it or why it even happens. If there was a feeling or mood like this on myspace, that is what I would currently be.

I can't let go no I can't let go... holding me back without even trying to.

You can't blame me for trying

Again, for the billionth time, change is due, and change is in process. I've barely had time to write on of these in a while, let alone have time to think of what to say. This past weekend was another retreat with Guiding Light. I felt like this retreat gave more time to do a self-evaluation and look more deeply into myself then I have at previous retreats or maybe even everyday life. I don't like who I am, or the things that I've done. "Change requires Courage." Maybe that is why it's been so hard for me to change. I'm afraid that with everything that I have done, it will be impossible to change.....maybe not impossible, but it is going to be a long, long process. I'm starting small, approaching this with baby steps. I have enough on my plate already, and if I try and do major life-changes at the same time I'm just going to be completely overwhelmed. So here we go, baby-steps baby steps, the best possible approach.




Watching my cold dark silhouette disappear

Its not enough just to dream it

Due to Las Vegas lacking events for anyone under 21, I have had a lot of time to think about things that I've had on my mind for a long time. I've realized that I've been wasting my time worrying about what is going to happen in the future, which is causing me to be oblivious to what is going on in my present. I've lost so much time due to this and I'm drawing the line here. I know, I know, I keep telling myself its time for change, its time for change, but you don't turn a new lead over night. I want more change then I can achieve right now but little by little I'm getting closer to it. I feel like I need to live more realistically, rather then living on maybes and hopefuls. I wish things were more straightforward.

Free my mind.

"Ay carumba" teeth

Rest in peace top retainer #3. My top retainer is now lost in the black hole of the road commonly traveled. Somehow between barstow and Vegas it disappeared. Luckily I still have the bottom one, which benefits me majorly thanks to my major over-bite. I wish I lost the bottom one instead. Not to mention I have to take my senior picture on Friday, and I can't get a new retainer until the morning of. This also gives me plenty of time to allow the gap between my 2 front teeth to reappear. I apologize ahead of time for all my negativity, I'm just frustrated that: A-this is the 3rd top retainer I've lost, and B-there is a possibility my teeth will move and I have to take my senior picture. So if you see me with my hand in my mouth now you know why. Trying to hold my teeth in place until Friday. On another note, I'm slightly relieved. Even though Vegas was a bust and I didn't get to see my friends here, I got new shoes and a highly anticipated text message. And on the other other hand, its unexplainably hot here and I'm losing my mind.

Steady as she goes.

Clumbsy

Las Vegas, another state with ridiculous heat. Man I picked the right places to go this summer. Speaking of this summer, it is slowly but surely coming to and end. After I get home another retreat is around the corner, which I am looking forward to. Less then a week after is ASB camp! I've been looking forward to that alllllllllll summer and its almost here! Continuing on after camp is band camp, which will probably be the death of me. The marimba calls my name as I have called for it as well. The things that I have looked forward to for the year I know sort of dread. Oh well, just a result of me overthinking again.

Actions speak louder then words.
Actions speak louder then words.
Actions speak louder then words.

Just trying to cement that in my mind before I forget it too quickly.

Crossroads.

I forgot how much I really didn't like this movie. It not only poorly made, but the dialogue is TERRIBLY cheesy and unrealistic. Britney Spears. What is she doing with her life? Ay Carumba. I'm praying for her.

Anyways, back on the road tomorrow. Vacation #2 to Las Vegas, Nevada....for the 3rd time this year? or the 2nd? I dont remember, one of many thats for sure. The more recent times we've been going have been taking a toll on me though. My Grandpa has been fighting cancer for quite sometime now. You can tell because he's becomes more weak everytime we visit, and it's a scary thought to think that one of these boring trips to Vegas might be the last time I'll see my Grandfather.

I'll admit, I am afraid of one thing, and that is Death. It is something that constantly crosses my mind. What will it be like when I die? Will anyone attend my funeral? Will anyone even miss me? I cant focus right now

this is poorly written, I'll fix it later
Vegas, here I come.

Without lifting a finger.

I'm finding words harder and harder to believe as time progresses. You can say anything to someone just to give them what they want to hear. I've told myself time and time again, "Actions speak louder then words," but whenever I find myself in the situation of this sort, words come off so pulchritudinous. I would like to say this is so because that's mostly what I get from people. They can tell you one thing, but when it comes down to when you NEED them, you find out who your real friends are. I am a far from perfect specimen, I will tell you that, but I do as much as I can with the limitations that I have. So now its time for me to listen what I'm telling myself. To not only listen but to act on as well. From now on, I will listen to what people have to tell me. But, until they can prove their words match their willingness, words are the equivalent of pennies.

sorry so short.
i'm sick.

My heart longs to sing - Steubenville West 2008

How does one go about finding the perfect words to describe the most spiritual moment in their life? There is no better feeling then knowing that you are completely consumed with God's love. Steubenville, is a turning point in my life. I no longer am in fear. I no longer have doubt. This weekend was my reminder and my reassurance.

The weekend began a little shakey. First off we we're headed on our way to Arizona at around 7am. At about 8-8:20 am, 2 of the wheels from our bus roll right out from underneath, which ended up setting us back more then 2 hours. The second bus arrived(which ended up being a party bus with a stripper pole included hahaha) and we were back on our way. I believe the trip lasted about 14 hours. The time of arrival was a good portion of time already into the first nights events. This night was the night to give you that push to begin to open your heart to him, but since the girls missed that, we approached the next day differently and a little discouraged. Looking back on it now, missing the first night wasn't as big of a let down as I believed it to be. I believe that if I went to adoration that night I wouldn't have approached it like I did the 2nd night. More then anything I didnt feel like I was even prepared for Friday night, so I used that time to prepare for what lay ahead on Saturday. In the meantime, Friday was used for our first "Girl Talk" which made up for the event that had happend previously in the day. Totally worth only getting 3 hours of sleep for.

GOOD MORNING TUCSON ARIZONA!THIS MORNING AT 7AM WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL 85 DEGREES!Saturday started off with praise and worship with none other then MATT MAHER my future husband. Man can he sing. Continued the morning with Mass then women's session which blew my mind. I've never had such a signifcant sex talk in my entire life. It changed my whole outlook on my life and how I'm going to go about things involving relationships in the future. WOW. Still can remember it all. So all the females finished up and headed to lunch where we all decided what to do for the remaining time before the night session. BOOKSTORE&ENTERTAINMENT. Bought a MATT MAHER shirt and went over for the Roman Collar Comedy thing, which was funny, but put me to sleep. We all went our seperate ways from there, Kev, Andrew, and I went to Family&Marriage. The first session which was family didnt really hit me that much, I tried to relate but at the same time we were late to the session so I must of missed something. Then we headed over to the Marriage session. WOW again. I liked that one alot. I've never seen to indiviudals so in love with each other and in love with Christ. Seeing them gave me so much motivation for my future. I have higher goals for myself and I'm really glad we went to that session.(Ephesians 5:25-27) AMEN.

6:30 pm and again 85 degrees outside.We made our way back to the main auditorium for the night session. More praise&worship! :D Matt Maher=] Then we had a speaker before we went into adoration, and I hate to say this, but I fell asleep while he was talking. I really regret all the sleeping I did during the speeches over the weekend but i was running on 3 hours of sleep each day. I payed as much attention as I could and retained most of what I caught before I fell asleep. After that we went into sort of a pre-adoration thing. Everyone went around hugging each other and showing their appreciation towards one another. THIS is where I saw God. I didn't see him in the Eucharist as much as I saw him around me inside of each and every person in that room. Being prayed for by the chaperones or just opening up to my peers, That in itself is where I saw God, and that was the turning point for the weekend. Adoration was Silent. At first I was kind of confused, normally when we do Adoration we have music going on and everyone is crying and a big emotional sea of feelings comes pouring out of everybody. Not tonight. Tonight was silent. As we got into I started to appreciate the silence more. I wasn't crying, or thinking hysterically for what words to say, but I was actually having a conversationg with God. The silence was calming in its own way, I felt like there was more time to gather my thoughts and even though some people enjoy how we normally go about Adoration, I found this way much more sufficient. Only thing I would change is less time. I was done a good 20 minutes before we finished the night session, but all in all I wouldnt trade it for anything.The night session ended with photos and distrubution of the Steubenville soundtrack. Ladies headed back to the dorm for GIRL TALK. Girl Talk, how do I explain this. I am very thankful that we all came up with the idea to have it. Taking turns to get to know one another. I feel like I can trust all the girls in GL more then I ever could have before and it was all thanks to the Girl Talk =] NEXT TIME WE NEED TO INVITE JILL AND KIRSTEN!

Woke up, showered, packed, and headed to breakfast by 6:30am.more eggs, more golden grahams.Right after breakfast we broke into Mens and Womens sessions.This one kind of disappointed me, don't get me wrong, it was still a very good talk, but I didnt feel as moved as I had the previous day, but all in all it was still a very good talk. The boys met us in the Auditorium for the finals events of the conference. Then, MATT MAHER again. Never gets old. Then the first mass I've ever been excited to attend. That was the most uplifiting and spiritual mass I've been too. Before we started, someone had said "Act like this is the last Mass you will ever go to." So I had that mind frama going into it and it was beautiful. We had an amazing priest. He kept things alive and not boring, I was really interested in what he had to say. A great way to finish out the conference. My blessings are also with Paula, Mike, Rogue, and Steve, the members of our youth group who are considering following Christ by becoming Sisters, Deacons, or even Priests. Way to go guys! We left the auditorium, grabbed our sack lunches then GL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Headed on our way home back to California, which surprisingly took HALF the time to get home then to get there >.<

Sleep, Gin, and Sharing as our bus ride came to an end.I didn't get to say everything I would have liked to while sharing, but I just wanted to thank everyone again.The chaperones, GL, and Liwanag. This weekend really opened my heart as well as my mind and I am so grateful that I got to share the experience with all of you, so thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.

Irreplaceable, unrepeatable, and unique

Steubenville day 2. This morning made up for missing last nights event. Matt Maher is gorgeous even though he's like 50, voice of an angel. Mass. Then a speech that changed the way I look at relationships. Women today have formed a tough exterior which causes difficulty when put in the situation where they are supposed to show another love. The way I look at it, when you have sex, your giving a piece of your sexuality away. Your sexuality, in the long run, should be for your spouse, so if you give pieces away constantly, what will you have left for the one?

Saving his greatest creative act for last, God crowned creation with the beauty of femininity. A womans dignity is unspeakably profound, her beauty unparalled. What a remarkable gift that God would come to man through a woman. As a daughter of the king, I pledge to live my life in a way that wil guard my dignity, my purity, and my beauty. Bringing honor to both God and myself now and in the future vocation to which he calls me.

Day of fasting

Julisa and I pulled an all nighter...bad idea. Everyone else who said they were going to pull on too caved and slept. We got to the church around 5:10 and starbucks-ed it before the bus came. The bus didn't get there until about 630 or so and then we were on our way to Arizona. There's never a dull moment with GL, and behold, 2 of the bus's tires flew off while we were an hour into the trip. We were stranded in front of a middle-of-nowhere cemetary for a good 2 hours or so until we were rescued by our knight in shining black armor...the party bus! We fit about 25 + people in one of the big party buses that people get for their prom...with the plasma screen and stripper pole included! Too bad this is a church retreat otherwise we would all be on that! Anyways, we've made on stop at around noon at mcdonalds for lunch, my favorite, not. We ate anyway though, after that we underwent ridiculous heat, and long long rides in the party bus. Were about 85 miles from our destination and its 603PM. Dinner at the college ends at 7PM, so I have a feeling we're gonna miss it, but its all worth it. Nothing better then laying on the floor and blastin Disney tunes. Steubenville day 1.

I'm like a book elegantly bound, in a language that you cant read

Where do I get off? I find myself constantly questioning the way I think. I'll be thinking completely straight no distractions or anything, then something sort of pops up, and then I find myself straying away from my original thoughts. The way I previously thought hasn't changed, but I don't know, I just think too quickly I guess....yeah, thats probably it. I assume things, I don't know. It's something I can't really put into words without being too specific, but I'm pretty sure whatever we're gonna call it, I've been doing it my whole life, and I don't know how to change it exactly. I want to focus straight on one thing, without distractions or changes in my original thought. I know, I know, this makes me sound like I have A.D.D. or something, which I wouldn't doubt, but focus in general isnt what I'm talking about. I would say more like focus on certain things in my life. I know what I want, but then I doubt it, and I go off thinking about other things.

I sound crazy, this is complicated. I cant even read myself.

Using flowers to brush the dirt off yo' shoulder

Schedules are settling in, my first whole month of school is pretty much planned now. Band is every Monday, Wednesday, and 2/3 of the weekend. For more recent times, first of the vacations is about to begin, off to Arizona in t-minus 2 days.steubenville west. From what I've been hearing this retreat is going to be a life changing event, so I'm approaching the weekend with big expectations. Hopefully this will be a turning point for where I am with my religion right now. I'm hoping to find the answers to the questions I've been thinking about for a while now. In the mean time, I'm going to drink my free water.

They say I'm crazy, nah I'm Janey

I love meeting new people or just getting to know people better. I always have the whole "new person" speed bump though. After that, I love learning about other peoples interests and having conversations about them. I feel like I don't know a lot of my friends on that personal level though, and I want to change that. I'm someone a lot of people can trust and someone who won't judge, but a lot of my friends don't know that about me. People, people, let's get personal here.

You gotta spend some time, love.

Summer continues on, slowly but surely. Every day that goes by it makes me regret not having a job. This whole not having money thing doesnt help when you have nothing to do but go out everyday. I want a job, I really do, but with everything going on, a job will drive me insane. Vacations, extra-curriculars, etc. I think it gives me a more likely chance to spontaneously combust. Oh well, I'm probably just making excuses. Who knows though, maybe a job will benefit me more then harm me, and making money doesn't sound bad at all. It all boils down to one thing, if you love something give it away. Time, I love you, but I need to start making an income.

On a better note, I love company. I guess I realized being around other people makes me the happiest I can be. When your going on adventures, eating random food, looking for random items in a dollar store, shopping for 3 hours straight, or just staying home doing nothing all day. This summer is turning out better then I expected it to. The thing is I know next summer everything is going to change. The real world is starting to creep up on me, and it's gonna be a culture-shock for sure. A wise man told me, to sum it up, fear denies faith. Funny how a little reality check can change your whole frame of mind. So bring it on future. Think you scare me? Think again honey.

Heaven has been away too long

I feel so intimidated by people. I'll be feeling pretty confident about myself, and like who I am, but then someone comes along and then all the confidence I had disappears. Not only do I feel like I'm good enough for other people, I never seem to be completely happy with myself. I can be skinnier, smarter, have a job, etc. I'm constantly trying to form myself into a definition of "perfect" but even then I don't know when I can finally say I've reached it. All I know is that right now, I'm feeling kind of low about myself, and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about it. Diet, study, apply for jobs? I feel like I'm under alot of unnecessary pressure. Pressure that I'm just creating for myself that causes me to constantly stress out. This isn't something new to me though, I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I just don't know how to be happy being myself, when I constantly feel the need to improve in every aspect about myself.

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

I've always thought I had a bit of common sense, not much, but enough to know when change is needed in your life. The thing is, I do have this, and I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but why can't I follow through with it? I have hit my immovable object, for the billionth time. I could go around it, or over it, or just blow it to tiny pieces, but my mind frame is an unstoppable force which makes it even harder. The objective I have in my mind is to move this object, and it's all I can focus on. No matter how hard I try, doing anything possible I can, this object can't be moved. I cant make this object move, and this is apparent, but at the same time I keep trying. I don't know when to stop. I don't know when I'm supposed to throw my hands up in the air and quit. I've never been one to admit defeat or quit, which makes this so much harder. I know what I want, and I know it's not going to happen, but for some reason in my mind I have the little piece of hope still. This hope keeps me coming back, trying to move this object, and this hope ultimately leads to my downfall. I believe in hope too much, I believe that if you really want something and you do whatever you can for the task at hand then you can achieve it. I've yet to find this statement true in certain aspects in my life. This in itself is frustrating. I feel like the result of one failure is going to be the outcome for the rest of my life. I can only achieve so much, I gotta fail in somethings right? But why this? Why can't I move this object. If there is a way to swap my failures, please let me know as soon as possible.